Hallmark moments are scarce

Breaking news: The family Thanksgiving feast is never quite like it appears on television.

Yes, there's usually a golden turkey and a nicely set table, but the similarity to real life stops right about there.

The mom in residence isn't always smiling and relaxed with her hair coiffed and her outfit snazzy. She's likely frazzled and maybe even a bit grumpy by the time it all comes together.

Thanksgiving is more of a sweatshop kind of day than a true holiday.

In my experience, the in-house help is up at the crack of dawn unswathing the turkey and trying to get it into the oven with enough time for it to cook before people arrive hungry. She's on her feet straight through until the gravy bubbles.

If the big bird hasn't thawed completely it takes an extra 45 minutes and a Scotch blessing to pry the little frozen sacks of giblets and neck pieces from the inner cavity.

It also takes a while to remember where the roasting pan is since it's too big to store with the everyday pans. (It's under the bed.)

Once the turkey is in the oven, it's on to peeling potatoes and pounding out rolls.

The pies, hopefully, were done in assembly line fashion the day before, because it gets really tricky trying to bake pies, rolls, yams and a turkey all in the same oven. If you wait, it can be very challenging, as everything has to bake at a different temperature.

There's also the dressing to prepare, and even if you use the quickie stove top kind, it has to be watched or it'll burn.

Add in the traditional favorites that the family has come to expect over the years, and you're cutting up yams and adding little marshmallows and brown sugar and slivered almonds over string beans while you're trying to get the cranberry sauce to come out of the can. There are vegetables to cut for the relish tray and olives and pickles to open.

Gravy must be whisked at just the right moment.

On TV, not only is Mom beaming, the children are all in their places with clean faces and big smiles. Everybody is calmly passing the plates of food and heady with anticipation.

In the real world, the babies are fussing and the toddlers are announcing they hate everything. The older kids are throwing worried looks at the funny orange food on their plate and poking the pumpkin pie to see if it bounces back. They're knocking over the crystal.