Top that, Salt Lake!

SYDNEY — In the wake of Sydney's stupendous, colossal, fabulous, would've-been-perfect-but-it-rained-one-night, picture-postcard, no-worries Olympics, the Olympic movement now moves on to Salt Lake City 2002. But first, just one question.

Is it too late to give it back?

We follow that?

Whose idea was it for Salt Lake to host the Olympics anyway? Why, we oughta haul them into court.

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I'm just kidding. Of course we want the Olympics.

But if the Aussies aren't doing anything a year from February, maybe they could come and give their mates in Salt Lake a hand.

I just spent 17 straight days in Sydney as they kept insisting they'd never hosted an Olympics before. Well, it didn't show. They acted like they host one every weekend.

They were just so good at it. So obliging.

Like the night the lines were stacking up in the harbor. Huge Olympic-going crowds were lined up at the ferry gates, at which point the operators lifted the barriers and shouted, "This one's on us, mates," and let everybody ride for free.

Like the metal detectors at the entrance to the massive Olympic Park. Sometimes the security staff had you empty your pockets and carefully examined all your belongings as you passed through the detectors. But if the lines started backing up, they simply turned off the detectors. Believe me, that really speeds things up.

My favorite scene in the unflappability department came when an agitated spectator fronted an usher at the wrestling arena, pointed to the part marked "Row" on his ticket, and said, "G? What is G?"

"You know," said the usher in perfect, patient Aussie, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G . . . "

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The funny thing is, before it started, if you believe half of what you read, Sydney was a nightmare waiting to happen. The local organizers were a laughingstock. There had been a ticket scandal and a bribery scandal, and to make matters worse, when the torch relay began in Greece, the daughter of Australian IOC member Kevan Gosper was allowed to run the first leg instead of an Aussie of Greek descent who had originally been chosen.

All over Australia they were mad as a cut snake over that one.

Loads of people said they were clearing out of town before the Olympics arrived.