WHATEVER WORKS — ★1/2 — Larry David, Evan Rachel Wood, Patricia Clarkson; rated PG-13 (vulgarity, slurs, drugs, nude photos, profanity, brief sex, violence); Broadway Centre

Not a whole lot works in "Whatever Works," Woody Allen's latest movie.

In fact, this acidic, patronizing and painfully unfunny comedy nearly undoes all the good will that the veteran screenwriter/director had recouped with his later-period, Europe-bound mysteries and dramas.

Those films were original and skillful. This, on the other hand, is notebook-emptying diatribe consisting mainly of Allen's thoughts on mortality, love, life, fate and humanity.

Still, it wouldn't be quite as tiresome if not for the presence of his irksome star, Larry David (HBO'S "Curb Your Enthusiasm").

David stars as Boris Yellnikoff, who claims to have a genius-level IQ and is constantly talking down to everyone.

That includes Melodie St. Ann Celestine (Evan Rachel Wood). This young drifter has turned up on his doorstep, and surprisingly, he takes her in and gives her a place to stay.

More bizarre is the fact that Melodie is like a human sponge, who soaks up all of his rather dire views on the world.

But their fragile, unique relationship is endangered when Melodie's mother, Marietta (Patricia Clarkson), shows up on his doorstep.

Allen has done this "Pygmalion" bit before with the infinitely better "Mighty Aphrodite" (1995).

Worse, he's got a completely unlikable main character. We're not interested in seeing this jerk find happiness in life. (David's performance would be laughable if it weren't so awful.)

And if anything, we'd prefer to spend more time with the sweetly naive Melodie. Or better yet, on her Bible-thumping mother, who turns out to have some interesting ideas about relationships and such — once she's exposed to real culture, of course.

"Whatever Works" is rated PG-13 and features crude sexual references (vulgar slang terms) and other suggestive talk, derogatory language and slurs, drug content and references (male-enhancement drugs and anti-anxiety medicines), glimpses of nude photos and artwork, scattered profanity, some brief sexual contact (mostly implied), and some brief violence (including a pair of suicide attempts, one of them overheard, the other one implied). Running time: 92 minutes

E-mail: jeff@desnews.com