Dear 2009 High School Graduates:

Congratulations on your diploma, and welcome to real life. Now you can truly pursue your hopes and dreams and government bailouts.

At times like this, it is the responsibility of each middle-aged person to pass along the wisdom of his years, culled from the rich experiences of his life, such as traveling the world or raising kids or teaching a Sunday School class with his fly open (not that I know anything about this).

Here's my advice (drum roll, please): Never become Suzanne Lukas.

Lukas is the fusspot superintendent of a school district in Portland, Maine. Recently, she made national news by denying a kid his diploma because — and this is so terrible I can barely write it — HE BLEW A KISS TO HIS MOTHER.

Justin Denney walked on stage to receive his diploma at the graduation ceremony for Bonny Eagle High and then blew the kiss and bowed to his friends. According to Denny's mother, Mary, Lukas told Justin, "There's no fooling around up here," and then asked him, "Why do you feel you deserve your diploma?" He said he had worked hard and earned it.

"No, go take your seat," Lukas told him.

This was on June 12. Denney still has not received his diploma. According to an Associated Press wire story, parents and students are upset about the incident and will meet with the school administration board of directors this week.

Many people want Lukas fired. If that happens, she could still enjoy a fine future — as a warden or an NCAA official.

Possibly, Lukas was a child once — no, probably not. Graduates, a little advice: When the years and stress take their toll as you struggle to earn a living, gain career advancements, raise a family and so forth, remember this: Don't let it turn you into one of those severe characters that Judi Dench would portray in a movie.

Don't lose your sense of humor. Thank people along the way, especially your family, even if it means bowing on a stage and blowing them a kiss.

If this means never growing up, so be it.

Bonny Eagle High seniors and their parents signed a code of conduct when they picked up tickets to the graduation. This was due to past incidents that involved Silly String and beach balls (oh, no!) — pretty standard fare for graduation ceremonies these days. You know what I'm talking about — beach balls magically appear and graduates toss them around while teachers run around like Deion Sanders trying to intercept them.