Celebrity worship belongs in L.A., should stay in L.A.

The list: (10) Doris Day. Doris Day???? Que sera, sera. (9) Arsenio Hall. Huh? How does being the world's smarmiest failed talk-show host in the early '90s qualify him as a celeb? Didn't his celeb license expire? (8) Leonardo DiCaprio. Finally, an A lister; (7) Penny Marshall (hint: she was Laverne or Shirley; I can't remember which); (6). Denzel Washington; (5) Andy Garcia; (4) Ice Cube. I don't know who he is, but I'm guessing with a name like that, Mister, ahem, Cube, is a rapper; (3) Flea/Anthony Kiedis. I don't know him either, and I would've looked it up but I forgot; (2) Dyan Cannon. Cannon, the Web site reports, is "practically part of the Lakers family." So that's where she's been in the decades since she made a movie. (1) Nicholson. Movie directors reportedly work their shooting schedules around Laker home games to accommodate Jack, according to NBA.com. Crazy Jack also banned all Celtics gear from the set of the Boston-based movie "The Departed." Jack doesn't need to spend much time on his acting "art" anymore; he's been playing the same role for 30 years, so he ought to have it down by now.

When told he had been honored as the No. 1 Laker fan, Jack was so touched and humbled that he dispatched his publicist to say, "He is deeply honored and only hopes that he has been as consistently entertaining as the Lakers have been."

Maybe we're just jealous because we don't have much to offer in the way of celebs, you're thinking. Think again. If the networks and the NBA want celebs, then celebs are what we'll give them. They got Jack; we got that nutty doctor-fan with the Coke cup under the basket; they got Dyan, we got Suds. They got Leo, we got — well, OK, that's about it. Who am I kidding? We not only don't have an A list, we don't have a B, C or D list. The only celebs we have are on the basketball court. We're still buzzing about the time Madonna came to town for the playoffs as Dennis Rodman's groupie. Oh, and the time Eva Longoria followed Tony Parker to Salt Lake City for the playoffs. Player-girlfriends are about as good as it gets here for celebs.

Is Bob Redford in town? Someone get some tickets for David Archuleta. Maybe Warren Jeffs will drop by (is he in jail?). How about that actor who did the oatmeal commercials?

We'll take anyone. You can't have a game if you haven't got the name.

E-mail: drob@desnews.com