Did you seethe headline in Monday's Deseret News?

CELL-PHONE DRIVING RISKS AFFIRMED.

Three University of Utah psychologists performed a study and discovered that, yes, drivers who drive and talk on cell phones are much more distracted than other drivers and passengers.

So it's not just an illusion.

My first reaction: Duh. They had to do a study to figure out that people who talk on cell phones are a menace on the road, that it's the equivalent of being drunk, that the brain is incapable of doing more than one thing at a time, that they're more distracted by a conversation on a cell phone than by a conversation with someone in the car, that hand-held phones don't help because dialing isn't the problem, it's the talking.

This is news?

Who didn't know that?

What next? MEN'S RESTROOMS ARE FILTHY PIG STIES.

TEENS TEND TO GET ACNE.

SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU.

Actually, it's good to know that science supports our own observations and calls more attention to the problem. Let's face it, this study was infinitely more valuable than, say, the research conducted by the Colorado State University scientist who studied cow flatulence for years to determine that it is damaging to the environment and is responsible for 18 percent of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming (and now what are we supposed to do, eliminate cows? Take them jogging? Feed them garlic, as one study suggested?).

This research was rivaled only by the one that studied public restrooms a few years ago to determine that fewer men washed their hands after doing their business than women.

Where do I sign up for one of these cushy research jobs? It's a tough career choice: Cow gas or human urinals?

Back to cell phones. Anyone who has been on the road knows about cell-phone distractions. You know them when you see them: The guy in front of you has slowed to a crawl and is weaving in his lane. Or the light turns green and he just sits there, talking on his cell or sending text messages.

I conducted my own informal survey of cell-phone drivers by calling a few friends, their main qualification being that they own cars and drive them. I couldn't take notes of their responses because I was driving at the time, but from what I remember, most of them went off on rants about distracted drivers on cell phones.

"I've seen people out there driving, putting on makeup and talking on the cell phone — all three at once," said my buddy Ed Murrell, a counselor at Hunter High. "They forget they're driving a 2,000-pound machine 70 miles per hour. Fortunately, they were all wearing seat belts; otherwise, they're doing Superman out the front window if they ever hit anything."