Please insert 50¢ to read this column
Doug Robinson
I'm Captain Yahoo and your co-pilot today is Rowdy "Four Eyes" Magoo. ... If there's anything we can do to make your flight more enjoyable, just let us know. For 50 cents, you can push the white button on the overhead console for a flight attendant.
We should arrive safely at our destination in a couple of hours. Keep your fingers crossed. Wish us luck!
Hello, this is your flight attendant speaking. We're climbing to our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet. If there is a sudden drop in cabin pressure you can purchase an oxygen mask for $2.35. Just insert the coins in the slot marked "oxygen" directly overhead and try not to panic as you frantically search for spare change.
To fasten your seat belt, slide your Visa card in the end of the buckle and then insert the seat belt in the same place.
We plan to use our wheels when we land, but in the unlikely event of a water landing — well, pretty unlikely — you can use the seat cushion as a floatation device for a fee of only $4.50.
You are limited to one bag, plus $25 for every additional bag. We offer use of the overhead luggage bin at a cost of $10 per bag or $2 per pound, whichever is more.
Certain items will not be allowed in this compartment for the safety and convenience of you and others around you. Those items include German shepherds, canoes, yaks, small children, large children and exploding devices. ... Please, consult the safety guide in the seat in front of you for more details.
We have a coat closet on the aisle near the front of the aircraft, but we never let anyone put anything in there. We don't know why.
An air vent and overhead light are available for your use at 50 cents per hour.
If you're cold, your sometimes-friendly flight attendant will provide you a blanket for $8. Pillows are extra.
If you feel sick at any time during our flight, please let the flight attendant know immediately. Barf bags are $1 each.
Quality magazines are available for $2 each. "People" and "Us" magazines are 25 cents.
Today's in-flight movie will be "Terror in the Sky," which can be viewed free of charge. Unless you want sound. Then it will cost $9.
Just a reminder: The lavatories are located fore and aft, as well as front and back. They are $3 for women, $5 for children and $150 for men.
Recent comments
Doug, you have a way of saying what so many feel (on many subjects…
Doug does immune systems | Oct. 7, 2008 at 1:28 p.m.
Reading "PLEASE INSERT 50 CENTS" was a great way to start the day…
Valoy & Ellie Eaton | Oct. 7, 2008 at 9:51 a.m.
WhyAirlinesLoseMoney 8:00 am: "Name another industry where employees…
Red | Oct. 7, 2008 at 9:28 a.m.
