Father's suicide threats have his son at a loss

By Jeanne Phillips
Published: Thursday, Sept. 4, 2008 12:44 a.m. MDT
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Dear Abby: My father and I usually get along well, but whenever we get into an argument, he'll say something like, "Well, maybe I should just kill myself. Then you won't have to deal with me!" This has been going on for as long as I can remember. I'm 21 now.

Abby, I don't think my dad is really suicidal. I think he says these things to make me feel guilty. It's hurtful because suicide is a serious matter, and I always have to ask myself, "What if?"

Telling him to stop just results in more emotional blackmail. He has also refused to see a counselor. I could really use some advice. —Can't Win in New York

Dear Can't Win: I agree with you that threats of suicide are a serious matter. And I have long said in this column that repeated threats of suicide should not be ignored. The next time your father starts talking about suicide, ask him if he is really serious. And, if he says he is, call 9-1-1. He may need 72 hours of observation.

Dear Abby: My husband and I were invited to a dinner party. Then our hostess told us that guests must bring their own plates and silverware or we would not be permitted to join the dinner. I thought it was extremely tacky; my husband saw no problem with it. What are your thoughts? —Dinner Guest in Denver

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Dear Dinner Guest: Let's put it this way — your hostess's request was highly unusual. Perhaps the woman didn't have enough china and silverware to accommodate all the people she wanted to come. Of course, she could have provided paper plates and plastic flatware — and that's what you should have brought so you wouldn't have had to carry home and wash your dirty dishes.

Dear Abby: May I respond to the letter from "Needs to Know Now in Virginia" (Aug. 4)? I, too, spent time behind bars — 14 months. My soon-to-be ex sent me a card on our 20th anniversary, a month after I was incarcerated, promising he'd be there for me when I got out. After months of denying there was anyone else, I finally found out the truth. She was not only accepted by his family, but also my kids.

Today I believe everything happens for a reason, because during most of our marriage my husband had tried to control me and verbally abused me. He'd tell me I was a horrible mother and wife, that my own family hated me and I had no friends. After a while, I started to believe him and had little or no self-esteem. While incarcerated, I took classes and learned that verbal abuse is as bad, if not worse, than physical.

One thing I learned in the classes is you can't change someone else; you can only change yourself. To this day he continues to verbally abuse me. Last week he said he hopes I have cancer and die. But the words don't hurt anymore. The only hurt I suffer is that he has convinced our children that I was a bad mother, so they no longer speak to me. They have welcomed her into their lives.

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