Good news: The tax rebates will soon be in the mail.

Many people are excited about it. For instance, when I asked one man what he planned to do with the rebate, he said, "What rebate?"

OK, maybe you missed the news, but beginning this week Uncle Sam will begin sending money to you.

Excuse me, Robinson, did you say the government is going to send money TO MOI? Have I landed in an alternate universe?

The black hole of finances called the government is returning a (very) small amount of the taxes you have been sending them over the years. They call it a rebate, like the car companies.

Maybe you noticed, but the economy is listing like the Titanic, so Congress thought that maybe — and here is a novel concept — you could use the money to spend and thus stimulate the economy.

Who would have thought of that?

In all, the government will send out about $120 billion in checks, or the price of about 25 new aircraft carriers, not counting annual maintenance costs. About 130 million families will be receiving checks.

Tell 'em what they're getting, Johnny!

Behind Door No. 1 the government is offering up to $600 to individuals. Behind Door No. 2, Uncle Sam is offering $1,200 for married couples. Behind Door No. 3, Sammy is giving away $300 per child.

This would be a very good time to be Warren Jeffs, if not for that sticky legal business and the slight inconvenience of incarceration and all. It's Christmas in the polygamy compound. No wonder the government raided those Texas fundamentalists.

Only in America could they take about half your income (property taxes, sales taxes, bonus taxes, income taxes, death taxes) and return $600 and feel magnanimous about it. Meanwhile the blood-sucking government (not that I'm bitter) is spending about a billion dollars a day (just for that, I'm going to get audited).

A government Web site notes that "the Internal Revenue Service (is) the final authority on who will get a tax rebate check and how much they will get." So if you were hoping to ask Judge Judy for help, or maybe you were going to call some local law firm like Siegfried & Roy or whatever they're called, forget it.

As a public service, I will now take questions about the rebate. The lines are open.

Will they take a rebate tax out of my rebate, the same way they took a "bonus" tax out of my Christmas bonus?

I asked an accountant about this, and he gave me a highly technical response, the upshot of which was: "Search me."

Will we have to pay taxes on our tax rebate? So far, no, but they're working on it as we speak.

What should you do with your rebate? Six hundred or even twelve hundred bucks doesn't buy much these days. Here's a handy list of ways to spend your "windfall," assuming you get the $1,200 cash prize behind door No. 2: