Ex-ceptional parenting: Former partners need to work together when raising children
Clifford recalls being heartbroken. She and her relatives huddled together in the winter sunshine. Her mom and sister and aunt listened to her anguish, and then they suggested that she take a parenting class. They said, "You need help learning to work with the father of your child."
After all, they reminded her, little Gabe is only 2. You and Brady have a lot of years ahead of you as parents of the same child. Perhaps surprisingly, Clifford appreciated the suggestion.
Clifford's aunt, Becky Otsuka, is the director of a foster-care program in Weber County. Clifford respects Otsuka's knowledge about how to relieve the stress in children's lives.
So Clifford decided to learn more about parenting with the ex-partner and she thought some of her friends might like to learn more as well. She asked her aunt to come talk to the single mom's group at Weber State University. Then, Otsuka began thinking about how to narrow the topic. She knows of a wealth of research on various aspects of parenting with the ex-partner.
Otsuka explained: When you can see and appreciate something in your child that comes from the other parent — difficult as that may sound — you will build your child's self-esteem.
"I agree it is a good concept," says Rick Miller, director of the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University. Unfortunately, Miller says, he knows a number of parents who can't stand a certain aspect of their child's behavior or appearance precisely because it reminds them of their ex-partner.
"It is really important to separate the two," he notes. It is important not to attach a negative connotation to the ways your child reminds you of your ex.
Still, even if you don't dislike your child's characteristics, even if you aren't exactly negative, you may not be quite ready to admire your child for being like the other parent.
Perhaps you can't imagine yourself saying, "No wonder you are such a good baseball player, your mom is a good baseball player." You might not be able to bring yourself to say, "Your dad did such a good job of designing and building our fence; I wonder if you get your artistic abilities from him?"
Maybe you believe such statements would be good for your child, but you can't say them. That's OK, says Brian Higginbotham, Family Life Extension Specialist at Utah State University. "You have to be sincere about your compliments or they aren't helpful."
Recent comments
Any couple can learn the "correct" way to treat each other...
Gella | April 9, 2008 at 10:39 a.m.
Re :Been there
Staying in a relationship that is modelling the...
julie | April 9, 2008 at 1:07 a.m.
In most cases divorce torments the children and it never seems to...
Been There | April 7, 2008 at 10:58 p.m.
