Pignanelli & Webb: As will soon be obvious, the heat has driven us crazy, to the point we're hallucinating about what might unfold had Brigham Young and all of us entered Salt Lake Valley on July 24, 2007, instead of 160 years earlier. It's a stretch (and a bit corny), but here's Brother Brigham's Official Journal Entry for July 24, 2007:

What a day! We finally ended our long trek across the plains and entered a beautiful mountain valley. The joy of my arrival, however, has been short-lived.

I love all my brothers and sisters, but they challenge my patience. I've suffered a raging fever, and Brother Orrin Hatch keeps pushing his vitamins and supplements (and singing songs) to make me feel better. Almost every missionary who served in the Polynesian islands is trying to get me to drink some root juice with a weird name.

After proclaiming "This Is the Place," I had to chase off Jon Huntsman Jr., who was tearing up the mountainside with his motocross bike. Then I caught Kem Gardner and Ellis Ivory trying to subdivide the foothills while Earl Holding was planning ski resorts and grandiose hotels. I observed Mac Christensen trying to sell people two pants with only one jacket. When I called Hyrum Smith and Bob Bennett to immediately colonize the southern valleys, they told me I had to wait until the "A" priorities in their Franklin Day Planners were crossed off.

While prosperity is a blessing, I am concerned about the results. Instead of storing food, the Saints just want a new Costco. I've had to emphasize that the first structure on Ensign Peak will not be a cell phone tower but rather a monument to our efforts. After sharing with some teenagers my desire for a Deseret alphabet, I was initially pleased with their suggestions. However, I've since learned these are just abbreviated text-messaging words. Now I hear several of the brothers are selling recordings of my speeches through something called "multi-level marketing."

After breaking a plow in the hard sod, we tried to dam off City Creek, and some club from the Sierra mountains sued me and an engineer corps from the Army demanded an EIS, whatever that is.

Other strange things have happened. Rocky Anderson started a drum circle where we plan to build a park (until he was chased off by one of Porter Rockwell's descendants). Curtis Bramble, back from a "mission" to China, wants to erect a statue of himself. Greg Curtis wants the church to build a sports stadium, and Rob Bishop keeps telling wry jokes in church that no one understands. Stan Lockhart is asking that I call all Democrats to colonize Antelope Island. Gayle Ruzicka is demanding a proclamation requiring all settlers to memorize the Constitution or she'll have her phone tree call me. Wayne Holland and Eddie Mayne are trying to organize all farmers and tradesmen into Zions Union. Chris Cannon tells me if we allow in our Mexican brethren, we can build Zion faster. Becky Lockhart wants roads wide enough to turn a team of oxen but no public transportation. ACLU lawyers are demanding a court system so they can be the first to sue me and the church.