Training puppy is snap, unless it's in real life

Yes! I know! I said I wanted a small dog, but oh oops! My husband and I got mixed up and brought home a Newfoundland puppy instead.

For those of you who aren't up on your breeds, a Newfoundland dog is the size of a cow. They're docile and sweet like cows, too. They are, however, better swimmers than cows. In fact, that's what the Canadians invented Newfies for — to jump into the ocean and rescue drowning sailors when it became obvious that cows are pretty much useless where drowning sailors are concerned.

MEMO TO COWS: Nice try, guys! But never mind!

So. Anyway. If you see a sailor who needs rescuing, please give us a call and we'll send the new dog straight over.

Right now we're in the process of training Zora (that's her name) to be a good dog citizen, which brings me to the point of today's column. Have you ever noticed how books make everything seem really insanely easy?

The library is FULL of books like this, actually. I did a quick survey of the shelves when I was there (hiding) yesterday and here are a few titles: "The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship," "Zen and the Art of Making a Living," "De-Cluttering," "Aging Well," "Beating the Senior Blues," "Clean it Fast, Clean it Right," "The No-Cry Sleep Solution," "Outsmarting the Female Fat Cell — After Pregnancy."

You read these books with their clear-cut reasoning and chirpy tones, and you think yes! I can sooooo beat my female fat cells! When it comes to female fat cells, I will take no prisoners! WHO'S YOUR DADDY, FEMALE FAT CELLS!

Except in real life it turns out that outsmarting your female fat cells (or any fat cell) is mucho harder than you think it's going be. Not that outsmarting fat cells can't or shouldn't be done. It's just tougher to do than you thought.

It's totally the same with housebreaking dogs. Especially dogs as big as cows. Books like "The Everything Dog Training and Tricks Book" make it sound so easy. Confine the dog. Put the dog on a schedule. Control the food and water bowls. Walk dog outdoors in "short, frequent spurts." Avoid punishing for mistakes.

So yeah. Good plan there. What could be more logical? Or easier?

The book, however, does NOT mention the following items.

1. Confined dogs bark. A lot. While you're trying to talk on the telephone, your "confined dog" is carrying on like she's Paris Hilton in the slammer. Dude! Seriously! You expect me to hang here and eat bologna sandwiches with all the other prisoners? Let me talk to my lawyer. Also my therapist. Also my stylist. And while I'm at it, will someone please get me a Bible?

2. Keeping a dog on a strict schedule is a snap! Um, unless you have a job. Or kids. Or another dog. Or a life. That's when letting the new dog out to do her "business" every hour on the hour gets to be a little complicated ...

3. Same goes for controlling food and water bowls.

4. Same goes for walking outdoors in "short, frequent spurts." Whatever that means.

Still, like I always say, it's nice to have a cow around the house, so I don't really mind the trouble. I learned a long time ago that life is messy.

And so are dogs.

---

E-mail: acannon@desnews.com

Comments