"They absolutely choose to do it. It's not a mental health issue. It's not a substance abuse issue. It's a choice," said Painter, who works with offenders in the court system.

Jensen agrees.

"We don't say, 'What causes robbery? We don't say, 'What causes car theft?"' she said. "These guys are offenders. They choose to offend in the family."

Local courts refer many offenders to the Sandy Counseling Center, which runs a program called Pathways to Peace.

Clinical director Kent McDonald said clients have to want to change. Rather than hold them accountable for their abusive actions, which makes them defensive, his approach makes them accountable for solutions.

"Confrontation is the game of the abuser and as such creates motivation for resistance to change," he said.

Most abusers, McDonald said, want a peaceful, happy home but don't know how to achieve it.

The program's goal is help them alter their thinking about family life, communications, problem solving, freedom and equality.

· · · · ·

Every day, in courts all over Utah, daunting numbers of domestic-violence cases are aired.

In West Jordan, a disagreement during a home improvement project turned violent.

A man and his wife argued while installing a heavy cabinet. She left the room, leaving him to put the cabinet up himself. He couldn't manage the weight alone and says he called "40 times" for help, but she didn't come back.

Angry and carrying a cordless drill, the man went looking for his wife. He found her in the shower. He hurled the drill through the glass shower door. She suffered cuts on her ear, foot and arms and also had a bruise where the power tool hit her arm.

"I'm guilty and I need help," he told West Jordan Justice Court Judge Ronald Kunz during a hearing on his domestic assault charge.

The man explained his behavior by saying he had not taken his anxiety medication.

He and his wife are now separated. But studies show it takes at least seven violent episodes before a woman decides to leave. After the West Jordan court hearing, the man told a reporter he and his wife might reconcile.

"We're going to try to work it out, supposedly."

Why men don't tell

Men typically face disbelief and ridicule when reporting abuse. As a result, male victims of domestic violence tend to make excuses for injuries — "it was an accident" — when questioned by friends or medical personnel, which only allows perpetrators to continue the abuse.

Abusers are expert at making victims feel no one is on their side, which creates a spiral of isolation — the more you, the victim, withdraw from friends and family, the less the people closest to you will be able to help.

Though you may have been injured far worse on an athletics field, it is not the same thing as being physically attacked by your intimate partner, which hurts emotionally as well as physically. Allowing this pattern to continue can result in depression, substance abuse, loss of confidence and even suicide.

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E-mail: romboy@desnews.com; lucy@desnews.com