That is why we are so pleased to include the Birds-Away Attack Spider Woodpecker Deterrent in this year's Gift Guide. This is a large hairy battery-operated pretend spider that hangs on a string. According to the manufacturer, when a woodpecker starts pecking wood, the spider drops down on its string making a noise, which scares away the woodpecker.

But the point is that this is an excellent product, which would enhance any home, even one where woodpeckers are not a problem. You could hang one of these babies over your front door, just out of sight, and when a visitor knocked ... AIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

If that doesn't work, deploy your Toilet Monster.

Disguised Nasal-Hair Trimming Finger

$9.98 plus shipping and handling from Harriet Carter, Dept. 36, North Wales, PA 19455, 800-377-7878; www.harrietcarter.com (Item No. C6289). Suggested by Judy Brown of Jamesville, N.Y., and Andrea Higgins of Mount Pocono, Pa.

No doubt you have noted that many men go around with unsightly hair sprouting from their ears and nostrils, to the point where they look as though they have tropical caterpillars emerging from their facial orifices. You wonder: Why don't these men trim this hair?

The answer is fear of embarrassment. These men are afraid that somebody might see them trimming their ear and nose hair, and think they are vain and unmanly. That's why we we're so excited about this gift concept, which is a motorized battery-powered trimmer cleverly disguised to look exactly like a human finger taken from a really large human. A man can use this device anywhere without worrying that people will think he is trimming hair. They will simply think he is sticking a finger into his nose, which is a perfectly normal thing that men do all the time. The only problem is that this finger will be buzzing, so to deflect suspicion, we recommend that men hum loudly while using this device. Is anybody still reading this? No? Good.

The Great Big World of Nematodes Coloring Book

By Dr. John Chitambar. Distributed free to students at California's State Scientists' Day by the California Department of Food and Agriculture's Plant Pest Diagnostics Center, 3294 Meadowview Road, Sacramento, CA 95832. Suggested by Tim Tidwell of Sacramento, Calif.

What's the biggest problem with young people today? Ask any leading educational psychologist that question, and he or she will answer, "The problem is that young people today are stupid."

This is not their fault. Today's young people spend far too much time on useless non-intellectual activities such as watching TV, "surfing" the Internet, instant-messaging their congresspersons, etc., and far too little time perusing academic materials.

Why? Because academic materials are boring.