Dave Barry's holiday gift guide

This is a rubber monster with suction cups that attaches to the underside of the toilet lid. When the unsuspecting guest lifts the lid, up pops the monster, and the unsuspecting guest keels over, dead. You were never all that fond of this particular guest anyway.

This is the Toilet Monster preferred by all leading hotel chains, as well as Buckingham Palace.

Custom-Printed Toilet Paper

$12 per roll (minimum of 4), price per roll decreases as you buy more; from Carlberg Design Inc., 1215 E. Clary St., Petersburg, IL 62675, 866-337-4441 (fax 217-632-0124); www.printedtp.com. Suggested by Gary Usleaman of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Whether you like it or not, your toilet paper makes a statement about you. If you purchase ordinary supermarket toilet paper, it is making the statement that you don't care if you or your guests have a commode experience that lacks individuality and — yes — class.

This is why more and more celebrity entertainers such as Martha Stewart and the late Duke of Windsor have their toilet paper custom-printed. And now, thanks to the Internet, you can do the same thing.

Marie Antoinette Action Figure

$8.95 plus postage and handling from Archie McPhee, P.O. Box 30852, Seattle, WA 98113, 425-349-3009 (fax 425-349-5188); www.mcphee.com. Suggested by Nicole Chiodo of San Jose, Calif.

Who says a toy can't be fun AND educational? Not us, here at the Holiday Gift Guide. That's why we're pleased to present this Marie Antoinette doll, with the exclusive "Ejector Head" feature. She looks like a regular doll until you press a secret button and ... there goes her head! Sure, you can get a similar effect with a machete and a Barbie doll, but that's more of a one-time deal. The Marie Antoinette action figure can be used over and over, providing hours of quality entertainment for some lucky little girl on your holiday gift list. Followed by years of therapy.

Pee Pee Teepees

$14 plus shipping and handling from Uncommon Goods, 303 W. 10th St., 2nd Floor, New York, NY 10014, 888-365-0056 (fax 212-462-0090); www.uncommongoods.com. Suggested by Barbara Price of Washington, D.C.