Several years ago when I began to mentor women on the Internet, I wanted to help them gain control of their homes and lives. My mentoring was not intended to teach them how to nag their husbands to help them around the house.

Many have complained that I don't understand that husbands and wives have an equal responsibility in keeping the home working. Yes, I do know this. But unless your husband or wife is a part of our group, I can't help them. I can only help you. I don't expect you to do it all, but you can and many have. What about the single moms or widows who have to do it all by themselves? They don't have husbands to help. They have to take care of the whole home alone. Oh, and I almost forgot the members whose spouse is in the military and away from home for months at a time; also the spouses who have to travel a lot with their jobs. The spouses left behind have the responsibility for the entire home on their shoulders.

What I have noticed is that when the member of our group, albeit the husband or the wife, gets their routines in place, and the clutter in the home is decreased, they find that the other spouse comes around and starts to help, so do the children. They start to clean up their "off limits" hot spots! You know the ones that if you even touch, will get you in hot water!

Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition, as many of you think. I believe that this perception is hurting many families. Here is why. When we feel we are doing our half of the work, we automatically feel slighted, because we don't feel our mate is doing his or her fair share. So we pout, fuss or even go on strike. This is so silly.

Marriage is a 100/100 proposition; each person giving their all to the family. When you do all that you can, you have done your best. When you sit at the computer all day, don't get dressed, and don't hit a lick at a snake (Southern for "just do something"), you are not spending your time wisely. All because your perception is, "Why should I clean up, it is just going to get messed up again!" or "He won't even help, this isn't my entire job! If he won't help, then it can just stay this way, I didn't make the mess, so why should I clean it!"

There are many reasons our members don't get up and move. Most are just excuses. We all have the same number of hours in each day. Even members with several children are seeing progress. There are members with sickness who are doing well, and there are members who work, either at home or away from home, who are seeing great progress.

So, what is your excuse? Are you sitting pouting 'cause your spouse does not do his or her fair share? You can only change yourself and your own attitude. Get the mote out of your eye first. We don't give you permission to declutter your husbands' or wives' things. Quit nagging and set the example by taking care of your own clutter first. As you set the example, by getting your hot spots clean, you are going to be so surprised at the changes in your family. Are you ready to FLY?

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For more help getting rid of your CHAOS; check out: www.flylady.net. Also see Cilley's book, "Sink Reflections" and her new book, "Body Clutter." Copyright 2006 Marla Cilley Used by permission in this publication.