4. "We the People for Peace and Justice" rally. This group booked a doubleheader. Twilight action is scheduled for 6 p.m. in Pioneer Park, with Rocky and Sheehan on the mount.

5. "Liberty Rally." Rally for illegal immigrants to gain legal status AND secure the borders. Huh? They want both!?

6. "Welcome and Appreciation Rally for President Bush." Actually, it will be a welcome for President Bush, without Bush, who, according to his schedule, will not appear. So we can only suppose that this rally is a reply to the "We the People for Peace and Justice" anti-Bush rallies (see Nos. 4 and 2).

7. "Rock against Rumsfeld Rally." Rally against the grumpy Secretary of Defense. Not that it's personal. Protesters are being told that dress is "bulletproof vest casual."

If you feel so inclined, there is still room in the program for extemporaneous protests, because the above program doesn't begin to cover all the issues. A few suggestions:

• "Music Appreciators Against All Public Singing by Cher" rally.

• "We the People for No More Cop/CSI TV Shows" rally.

• "Rally for Banning All Drivers from Talking on Cell Phones." Except me.

• "People Who Don't Want to See Jared in a TV Commercial Until He Weighs Three Bills Again" rally.

• "Rally of People Driven to Insanity by Tom Shane's Voice."

• "Freedom from TV Female Football Sideline Reporters" rally.

• "Death to Men Who Wear Tank Tops in Restaurants" rally.

If you can think of other causes, bring them to the show on Wednesday. Happy Protesting.

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E-mail: drob@desnews.com.