Remembering Garrett

Gordon Smith begins his book by telling about the night the police came to his door. It was 10 p.m. on Sept. 8, 2003.

Smith, who is a U.S. senator from Oregon, had been away at a political event with his wife, Sharon. They'd just returned to their home in Bethesda, Md.

While they were on the road they'd tried to reach their son Garrett, a student at Utah Valley State College in Orem. They had called and called, but Garrett hadn't picked up the phone. His parents were alarmed because their son had changed the greeting on his answering machine.

"I'm not feeling well," Garrett's new message said. "Please don't call me anymore."

And so Smith's book begins with these words, "I can still hear the knock at the door. I can still feel the dread that filled my heart."

His dread was not misplaced. The police did, in fact, come to tell the Smiths that Garrett had killed himself. Then the Smiths knew the deepest sorrow of their lives. Smith calls it a black valley of grief. He also felt an abiding sense of failure.

What did it matter that he was a U.S. senator, had been a bishop in the LDS Church, a successful businessman? Those achievements seemed mere vanities to Smith, especially when compared to his most important responsibility, his responsibility to his family. He felt he should have been able to save his child.

Smith's book, "Remembering Garrett; One Family's Battle With a Child's Depression," has just been published by Carroll & Graf. Smith will be in Salt Lake City on Tuesday for a book signing, where he will also talk briefly and answer questions.

Before Garrett took a bottle of sleeping pills, Smith says he knew very little about depression. He had never taken a psychology class. He didn't know the signs of impending suicide. When he comes to Salt Lake City, Smith expects to meet at least a few other parents who missed the warnings.

In a recent telephone interview with the Deseret Morning News, Smith said he and his wife have friends and relatives in Utah and — ever since their own son died here — he has been amazed to hear about a large number of young Utahns who have killed themselves. "It is so heart-wrenching for the parents," he said. "It is the ultimate in self-recrimination."

Smith never blamed his wife for Garrett's death and praises her as a wonderful mother. Nor do he and his wife blame Garrett's friends or Garrett's doctors or the staff at the college. However, until he learned more about the bipolar disorder his son suffered from, Smith did blame himself.