Jennifer Lopez's fingerprints are all over UPN's new prime-time soap "South Beach." If she scrubs really, really hard, maybe she can get them off — along with the stench of this stinker.

It's glitzy. It's glamorous. It's loaded with beautiful people wearing hideous clothes.

It's also full of actors (and I use that term loosely) spouting laughably bad lines in a series that's all about form, and pretty much lacking in substance.

"South Beach" (which airs episodes tonight at 7 and 8 on Ch. 24) starts out in New York City, just like Lopez, who's credited as an executive producer. But the scene quickly switches to South Beach, which we are led to believe is the center of all things shallow and beautiful.

It's sort of a cross between "Miami Vice" and "Melrose Place," using the stupidest parts of both shows.

The series opens with a pair of New York guys, Matt (Marcus Coloma) and Vincent (Chris Johnson), heading for the "alluring paradise" of South Beach. Matt is hoping to reconnect with his old girlfriend, Arielle (Odette Yustman), an aspiring supermodel. It turns out she's now dating Alex (Lee Thompson Young), the manager of a hip nightclub in a hip hotel owned by his mother, Elizabeth (Vanessa Williams).

Elizabeth, who has a history of dating much, much younger men, hires Matt to be her go-to, problem-solving guy at the hotel — despite his utter lack of qualifications and experience. (Well, he is young and pretty. As a matter of fact, the guys in "South Beach" are probably prettier than the girls, who are gorgeous.)

Chris, meanwhile, falls in with a bad guy, Robert (Giancarlo Esposito), who owns a minority interest in Elizabeth's hotel. You can tell he's bad because of the shootouts and murders that follow in his wake.

It's actually dumber than it sounds. There's a fashion show in which Elizabeth makes super-modeling sound like a spiritual experience. And the clothes come from the J-How-Lo-Can-U-Go collection. (You see what they're wearing, and you still can't believe it.)

"South Beach" is all about pretty, stupid people — a show that defines "vapid."

BEAUTY AND THE GEEK, which opens its second season Thursday at 8 p.m. on the WB/Ch. 30, is a stupid "reality" show.

Just be careful, because if you start watching it, you might not be able to stop.

This is the story of eight girls and eight guys who live in a house and compete for $250,000. But it's not a dating show.

On this side, we have eight gorgeous young women who aren't exactly members of Mensa. On the other side, we have eight extremely smart but exceptionally geeky guys.

They pair off in groups of two, compete in various challenges and — if luck is with them — actually learn something from each other. The girls certainly have plenty of room to improve their intellectual skills. The guys are super nerds who have lots of room to improve their social skills.