This holiday season, Van Wagoner was a world away from the Iraqi desert, working security at the Gateway Mall in downtown Salt Lake City. He wrangled teenagers and kept vagrants out of shoppers' hair. It seems a humbling step down from protecting troops, food supplies and caravans in Iraq. He is in the police academy now, going to school at night and waiting to get on with local law enforcement.

The tough young man who saw so much during those months says the transition home has been tougher.

"It was much harder coming home from Iraq than it was going there," he said.

Going, he says, he was prepared, at least. He got training at California's March Air Force Base first, then more in Kuwait. But he got no preparation for what he would find at home — all the questions, the complexities, the overwhelming gratitude.

"It was a simple life in Iraq. We had a couple of major stresses," he says. Some days, that stress was fighting for his life. But he has encountered another kind of intensity at home.

"You come home and everybody you run into wants to talk about it. Everybody you run into is saying, 'Thank you. Thank you.' Everybody is asking about your political views. . . . It's an uncomfortable feeling."

Work, bills, school, girls, decisions all mount at home. "The simple things do become overwhelming."

Some people seemed surprised Van Wagoner wasn't passionate about the war. In fact, he did not vote in the last presidential election. He didn't agree with either candidate, so he didn't vote.

"People don't realize you just want support when you get home, not 'Bush sucks,' and 'This war is all about oil.' " Support and some time. That's all Van Wagoner seems to want from people. "It's a big emotional dump when you realize that most people don't want to take the day off work to come and hang out with you."

He has struggled with the value of this war, although he does believe he made a difference. In one Iraqi community, there was no running water when a group he was guarding came in. "When we left, 60 percent of the town had running water. We did good there.

"But then you think about all the bad things you saw, all the things happening to people, all the friends you lost," Van Wagoner ponders, "and you wonder if it is all in vain."

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Name: Chris Van Wagoner

Rank: Sergeant

Unit: 1st Marine Division, Headquarters Battalion, MP Company

Tour: Iraq, February-September 2004

Residence: Glendale

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E-mail: lucy@desnews.com