Alone in the fold: Many LDS gays struggle to cling to faith despite their yearnings

Now that his book has been published, Mansfield says he prefers to live outside Utah. "Here I just felt like it would be too much a part of my life. My whole life isn't this issue."

Though he works for a consulting firm in Washington, D.C., Mansfield says he's decided to pursue a degree in personal and family therapy, whether he actually ends up doing counseling or not. He learned while in therapy himself "how to understand my feelings and better respond to them. I can control my feelings rather than letting them control me."

He said he would never suggest marriage as a way of trying to banish same-sex attraction.

"I know some individuals who feel they have overcome the attraction, have married, and it's not a problem for them anymore. . . . I know many more who have the type of life they want — married with a family. They still experience the attraction, but that's all they see it as."

Though he understands his own dynamics, he says he's not sure if his attractions will ever leave him entirely. He has only a smile and a polite "no" for fellow Latter-day Saints who try to line him up with women, and no definitive answer for those who ask if he'll ever marry.

Some he knows have left the church and are living a homosexual lifestyle. When they ask why he doesn't just give in, he answers, "I feel I'm being true to my eternal self."

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