Sen. Bob Bennett: "I spent the summer helping my senior senator, Orrin Hatch. We'll soon have legislation passed forbidding anyone with an unpronounceable ancient Welsh name from being elected to the Senate."

Congressman Chris Cannon: "I spent most my time hanging out with my Democrat friends. At least they're not running against me."

Congressman Jim Matheson: "With no opponent in sight, I spent the summer raising money and trying to convince Orrin to endorse me at the Republican convention."

Sen. Patrice Arent: "I went to so many prayer breakfasts this summer, I am now a member of good standing in at least four major religious denominations."

Radio talk show host Doug Wright: "I watched a lot of politicians this summer, and I noticed their major qualification is that they have the gift of gab. I happen to share that qualification, so I thought, hey, why not . . . ?"

Rep. LaVar Christensen: "It was a productive summer. I spent it developing detailed opinions on every subject in the universe, and I'm planning to demonstrate my knowledge, no longer than two hours per topic, in upcoming legislative meetings."

Rep. Steve Urquhart: "It's been a busy summer and I'm still working on a final project: Since my name is unpronounceable, I'm changing it to 'Steve Irk-Hatch.' "

Republican dissidents: "We spent the summer not supporting candidates, not supporting conservative public policy, not raising money or organizing the grass-roots but instead debating arcane party bylaws for many hours at Central Committee meetings."

Rep. Pat Jones: "I spent the summer enjoying the machinations of the Tax Reform Task Force. Since they refused to let me on the task force and haven't produced much, I guess I'll just have to keep the Jones-Mascaro bill going."

Sen. Curt Bramble: "My fellow senators wanted to enhance my interpersonal skills and were kind enough to sponsor my participation in a retreat to find and get in touch with my inner feminine persona. Well, I found her and argued with her for three days straight. Now I think I'm ready to run for Congress."

Speaker Greg Curtis: "House Republican leadership worked hard to ensure our summer meetings were devoid of the heated arguments, outrageous outbursts and usual bad behavior. I am proud of our success. Nothing helped more than to spike all the diet Cokes with Ritalin."

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