So you get remarried — full of hope and joy. But the fantasy soon ends and life becomes confusing.

Someone else's kids are coming and going. Bathrooms must be shared. Rules must be set. And now you have not only your own ex-spouse but your new spouse's ex-spouse to consult with before you can start to plan your family vacation. And pretty soon, for some reason, the children in this new family seem angry. And then you and your new spouse start to get angry yourselves.

The average stepfamily moves quickly from fantasy to confusion to crisis, says marriage and family counselor Elizabeth Einstein. "But crisis is actually a good thing," she said in a telephone interview from her home in Ithaca, N.Y.

Stepparents can use the crisis as an opportunity. They can seek help, get counseling, learn how to live in this complicated family. If parents don't get help, they may give up, Einstein fears. More than 60 percent of remarriages end in divorce.

Einstein said that statistic is horrible, the fault of what she calls "too-soon relationships." Her most important message has to do with taking time.

In Salt Lake City, Einstein will teach a class for parents called "The Stepfamily Journey." She will also teach a daylong class for marriage counselors and other professionals. She's been invited to the University of Utah because, according to College of Social Work professor Brad Lundhal, local professionals need to understand the special dynamics of stepfamilies.

Utahns have the same problems as other Americans. In fact, he said, the divorce rate for the first five years of marriage is a lot higher in Utah than in the nation as a whole. But then the rate evens out, and in the end the national average of 3.8 divorces per year per 1,000 people is almost identical to the Utah rate.

Einstein hopes that at least some of those in her audience in Utah will be single parents, people who have not yet remarried. They'd be wise to try to understand stepfamilies before they live in one, she said.

But for those who are already remarried, if they come to her class, Einstein promises them some fun. She'll call people out of the audience to role-play a family with bonds and baggage — and everyone will laugh together. Stepparents will come away from the evening knowing they are not alone, she said.

Einstein has spent a long career counseling stepfamilies. Also, she's spent a lifetime living in stepfamilies.

She was a stepchild herself as a girl. At 19, she married and was instantly a stepmother. Then she had two sons, and then her husband died. She remarried after that and became a stepmother a second time.

The best way to approach becoming a stepfamily is to take time, she stressed. Before they marry again, parents should allow their children plenty of time to grieve. They should also resolve difficulties with their former spouses. If you didn't go through divorce mediation and counseling with your ex-spouse at the time of the divorce, do it now, before you remarry, Einstein advises.