I remember that secret look my mother gave when I crossed the "behavior line" in front of company. It was a stern look, with the palm of her hand raised by her side, that said "me la pagas" (you will pay me). And I did. Payment in full was a spanking with a firm scolding. As a child, I was slow to learn. I figured I could get away with things because my mother could not discipline me with company around to rescue me. Wrong.

Where were today's child specialists to confuse my mother, and to save me, by telling her that she should talk things through with me? Maybe then I could have "used my words" and learned that I could talk my way out of trouble and do it again — like some kids do today.

I suspect that for many past generations, communication between mother and child was pretty simple — "don't do that," "stop it," "great job" and with lots of hugs, smiles, comforting when hurt, nurturing, and knowing that mother was always looking after you. Communication was clear, with less talk and immediate consequences.

It made the world secure and was reassuring to know that mother was always there to set limits if you started getting out of control. It was that secret signal between mother and child that stays with you and teaches you right from wrong for the rest of your life. Mothers were always lurking, making sure you were doing the right thing, or at least you thought they were.

Now that you are grown up, mom is still lurking, only in your head. Maybe if there were more of those kinds of relationships between mother and child we might have no need for the "anger management industry" or ethics courses for business people such as we have today.

Mothers don't always teach by talking, but teach more by their actions. From birth, infants quickly learn about the world from the first person who feeds them, comforts them and in essence, holds their life in their hands. Will it be a secure world, a loving world or a frightening and angry one where the only thing that matters is survival, without concern for others? Now, we call it bonding.

One of the great losses today is the diminishing value we have placed on being a mom, yet mothers set the mold for their child's personality and the kind of communities and institutions we create to maintain a civil society.

Today, we often make mothers feel guilty and indecisive. Young, would-be mothers used to learn child-rearing from their own experiences and from their mothers and aunts. Now, they are bombarded with how to raise children from a flood of child experts who are quick to market the most trendy child development theory du jour.

While working as a social worker at a children's therapeutic day-care center, I found one of the best ways to help children was to help parents know that it was OK for parents to express their feelings with children, rather than create an artificial world for them; and that saying "no," setting limits and discipline were important in the socialization of their children. To "earn" rather than be given something, may go far in helping the child learn the most important thing — self-respect.