Dave Barry's 2004 year in review

On the legal front, a federal jury convicts Martha Stewart on four counts of needing to be taken down a peg. In what many legal experts call an unduly harsh punishment, a federal judge sentences Stewart to be the topic of 17 consecutive weeks of Jay Leno jokes.

Speaking of punishments, in . . .

April

. . . the Federal Communications Commission levies a $495,000 fine against Clear Channel Communications for a 2003 incident in which Howard Stern, on his nationally-broadcast radio show, exposed his right nipple.

But the big entertainment news comes at the end of the two-hour season finale of the mega-hit reality show "The Apprentice," when Donald Trump, in the most-anticipated event of the year — and quite possibly all of human history — fires that one guy, whatshisname, and keeps that other guy. You remember. It was HUGE.

Meanwhile, in another blow to the U.S.-led coalition effort in Iraq, Spain withdraws its troop, Sgt. Juan Hernandez. As violence in Iraq escalates, critics of the Bush administration charge that there are not enough U.S. soldiers over there. Administration officials heatedly deny this, arguing that the real problem is that there are too many Iraqis over there. In the words of one high-level official (who is not identified in press reports because of the difficulties involved in spelling "Condoleezza") the administration "may have to relocate the Iraqis to a safer area, such as Ecuador." John Kerry calls this "a ridiculous idea," adding, "I wholeheartedly endorse it."

In economic news, the price of a gallon of gasoline at the pump reaches $236.97, prompting widespread concern that there is something wrong with this particular pump. Congress vows to hold hearings.

Speaking of things gone wrong . . .

May

. . . world outrage grew in reaction to photos taken inside Iraq's notorious Abu Ghraib prison, showing U.S. soldiers repeatedly forcing prisoners to look at the video of Janet Jackson's right nipple. As human-rights organizations voice outrage, President Bush vows to "punish whoever is responsible for this, no matter who it is, unless of course it is Donald Rumsfeld." Congress vows to hear holdings.

The nation's mood does not improve when the Department of Making Everybody in the Homeland Nervous raises the Official National Terror Index Level to "Yikes!" based on having received credible information indicating that al-Qaida terrorist cells are, quote, "up to something" and "could be in your attic right now."

John Kerry, looking to improve his image with Red State voters, shoots a duck.