How to stay on the cutting edge of chemically correct credit

Back in the old days, a credit card was pretty simple, right? It was just plastic. No false delusions about emanating from the periodic table of elements, just good old American polymerized organic compounds.

But plastic soon became passe and along came the Gold card. It still felt like plastic but with an atomic weight of 196.9665. Pretty amazing stuff. But gold soon lost its glitter, which is understandable inasmuch as folks were panning for it long before plastic was preferred. So nowadays the card to carry is — the Platinum card. Yes sir, packin' Platinum is a sure sign that you're on the cutting edge of chemically correct credit.

Now, surely there can be no doubt that the other elements will notice their opportunity to gain market share in the race for credit credibility.

Imagine the following . . .

The Aluminum card for credit-lite users.

The Arsenic card to be used for that last, final swipe.

The Barium card to see what's really going on inside that convoluted APR.

The Boron card for teachers who talk endlessly.

The Calcium card for "Credit Does A Body Good" users.

The Carbon card for dating.

The Helium card for users who want their credit limit to keep rising.

The Hydrogen card, ideally used twice as often as the Oxygen card.

The Iron card for maidens and triathletes.

The Krypton card for super-users.

The Lead card for . . . well, people wishing to hide unpaid balances from super-users.

The Mercury card for climate-sensitive spenders.

The Nitrogen card for corn-belt users (remember, spend heavy in the spring).

The Radon card complete with an early warning detection system.

The Silicon card for people in the valley.

The Sodium card for the Salt of the Earth.

The Sulfur card for stinkers.

The Tin card for cheapskates who won't pay the annual fee of the Copper card.

The Titanium card for credit-lite users who demand more spending strength.

The Uranium card for users that carry credit balances for a 2,000 year half-life.

And finally the Zirconium card for users priced out of the Diamond card market.

Just think, the future may allow us to Master the Metallurgic Possibilities!

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Craig L. Israelsen is an associate professor in the Department of Home and Family Living at Brigham Young University.