WALNUT GROVE, Calif. — Pastor Jack J. Stahl bombards Lucifer and his minions with horror-movie shouts, hollers and diabolical cackles.

He barks a bit of Latin, fires thunderclaps of words thatdontmakemuchsense since they crash into each other like renegade bumper cars.

But the ordained-by-mail minister's 24-hour exorcist hot line kicks Beelzebub's butt in kitschy style. To perform his little demon laundering, he spins the sing-along tunes of crooner Tom Jones, famous for "What's New, Pussycat?"

The 1981 Clayton Valley High School graduate became an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church, based in Modesto, Calif., the 40-year heavy hitter in mail-order ministry.

Anyone with a computer can become a man or woman of the cloth. An online form at Universal Life requires the most basic information. Within five minutes, a "Rev." can be attached to your name for free. A paper certificate sets you back $5.

With the credential you can preach "the Word," marry, bury and baptize. But the offers don't stop there. Internet ministries certify saints, divinity or pastoral counselors.

More lofty titles creep up in price, with some packages in the $200 range.

Stahl went out on his own, creating the Progressive Universal Life Church. The Sacramento, Calif., resident now ordains others.

Mainline pastors cringe at the get-it-quick certificates. They say speaking for a higher being requires more brain exertion and study, especially since counseling skills are a must.

"The bottom line is it's a commitment," said Ann Murphy, spokeswoman at the San Francisco Theology Seminary in San Anselmo, Calif.

The Presbyterian institution's degree-program requires three years of study, a year internship at a church or local service agency and, in some cases, a six-month chaplaincy. Tuition climbs into the $10,000 range.

David Sammons of Mount Diablo Unitarian Universalist Church in Walnut Creek, Calif., regards Universal Life Church as a joke: "Universal Life Church isn't a church."

He views the nonprofit operation as a business selling certificates without proper learning, respect or care for the vocation.

Since the Universal Life Church opened in 1959, 18 million people worldwide have become ordained, said Andre Hensley, son of the late founder Kirby Hensley.

He estimated up to 4,000 a month register, including celebrities. Troubled-wildcat singer Courtney Love could now be addressed as the Rev. Ms. Love.

Hensley acknowledges that some treat such operations as flukes or tax dodges.

"We have to take everything by faith just like every other church."

The IRS exorcised the ministry's tax-exempt status in 1984, but the church regained it.