Clay Essig says he lives the chaste life required of a devout Latter-day Saint. He says he attends church, complies with Mormon doctrine and hopes to someday fall in love and get married.

But Essig will likely never marry in a temple of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. That's because he's looking for a husband, not a wife.

Being gay was for years a struggle that would depress and discourage Essig. At one point he left a boyfriend to "go straight," an effort that didn't succeed. "But now I'm thrilled to be gay, I'm grateful to be gay," he said. "I'm also grateful for the truth that I've gained as a Latter-day Saint."

But Essig admits it hurt when the church's First Presidency issued a statement this week saying it "favors a constitutional amendment preserving marriage as the lawful union of a man and woman."

It didn't come as a surprise. LDS doctrine is clear on the matter that acting on homosexual urges is a sin. And Essig copes by seeing his relationship with his church and with his God as separate.

"Certainly there's a conflict between the church and what I am," Essig said. "There is not a conflict between what I am and God or the gospel.

"The church kept saying I was wrong, even when I was with my boyfriend, and I was incredibly happy and at peace," he said. "I said, 'I guess I'm not supposed to be happy with my life.' . . . Gradually (God) helped me understand that what I am is perfectly fine with him as long as I lead a good life. That includes having a happy family in my creation as a gay man."

The church's statement doesn't favor any specific legislation but clearly supports both federal and state efforts to constitutionally ban same-sex marriages. Utah is among 11 states where voters will decide on such proposed amendments this November. In Utah, the amendment would also forbid recognition of other types of unions, such as civil unions.

Debate on the federal constitutional amendment started Friday and could be voted on as early as Wednesday.

Deseret Morning News/KSL-TV polls conducted before the church's statement have suggested that most Utahns would vote in favor of the proposed state constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Support for such an amendment was especially strong among LDS Church members, who comprise about 66 percent of the state's population, according to a 2000 report by the American Religion Data Archive.

Life of loneliness

But for those who are homosexual and LDS, the church's stand creates a conflict for them as well as for their families and friends.