Park City awash in (invisible) stars

6:04 p.m. — Unfazed, Britt autographs a glossy portfolio photo for me. I wish her friends good luck working on the next "Star Wars" movie.

6:55 p.m. — Pal with "Lord of the Rings" connections gives me directions to a top-secret party in the Middle-Earth section of Deer Valley. Rumored party attendees: Mordor villain Sauron, former Republican villain Bill Clinton, Naomi Watts, Heath Ledger, me.

6:56 p.m. — Inform friend I'll name my first child "Frodo" if he can get me in.

7-9 p.m. — Still nada. Stars must be conspiring against me because I voted for Pres. Bush. Do see crowd around an owl. Convince myself it's Harry Potter's Hedwig. Good enough.

9:15-45 p.m. — Leave for celeb soiree at mansion. Get lost. Listen to wife. Read directions. Find party shuttle. Chauffeur informs me I'm not on the invitation list. Ask if he spelled Sean Astin correctly. Depart dejected.

10:07 p.m. — On Main again. Hope to get comforted by a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory caramel apple.

10:17 p.m. — Store's closed.

10:37 p.m. — Wife looks for comfort at ROOTS store. It's open. Go figure. Employee stunned she hasn't seen any stars or anybody in black garb.

10:56 p.m. — Ask magazine photographer from California if she's shot any stars — with a camera, of course. She responds: "Does Kato Kaelin count?"

10:47 p.m. — Politely tell her "NO!"

11:01 p.m. — Wander by Harry O's nightclub — spot where I sighted the back of Britney Spears' head last year. Notice large crowd is mostly boys. A dozen recent Brighton High grads claim Paris Hilton and Lionel Ritchie's daughter are inside.

11:15 p.m. — Braylen Olsen, 19, says they saw William H. Macy and "the guy from 'Panic Room' with a lazy eye" at Sundance last year. But nobody this time. Yet. Matt Tillotson, 18, swears he spotted "someone who looked like Fabio."

11:30 p.m. — Wait. More testosterone arrives. No Paris.

11:31 p.m. — Kid from Everwood, minor character from "The Matrix" sequels and Shore's cohort in "In the Army Now" exit. Brighton boys holler. Perhaps shocked that someone recognizes him, Shore's friend rushes through crowd. Gives high-fives to anyone nearby — even those with their hands down.