Men, malls so frightful — not a bit delightful

3. Chiffon and taffeta are the names of materials often found in women's clothing. If you want to impress the sales clerk, say something like this: "Do you have this blouse in a peach chiffon?"

4. Sure you feel more comfortable in a hardware store, but, face it, your wife does not want a lawn mower for Christmas, even if it does have a mulcher. No matter what women say, household appliances and power tools don't count.

5. Accept this fact: On Christmas morning, your wife will top whatever you give her. There's just no way around it. You're going to get routed worse than the Detroit Lions.

6. Warning: Price becomes less and less of an issue the longer you shop. After three hours, you'll pay $300 for a pair of sneakers just because it means escape from the mall.

7. Never shop until the last minute. You could get lucky and get hit by a car and won't have to shop at all.

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Doug Robinson's column runs on Tuesdays. E-mail drob@desnews.com.