Attention, ladies. Could you please leave the room? Today's column is for men only. Sorry. I'll see you next time. I'll just hum the theme from "Jeopardy" while I wait for you to leave — da, da, da, da — da, da, dahhhh — da . . . da-da, da, da . . . da . . . da. There, are they gone?

Good. Men, we need to talk. There are times when a man must face up to seriously unpleasant tasks; times when duty calls and he must respond no matter how horrible it might seem.

I speak, of course, of Christmas shopping.

It's Tuesday, Dec. 23, and you know what that means. Men, start your engines; begin shopping. No more putting it off. It's time to face the (Christmas) music. It's time to face the crowds and the traffic. It's time to face The Mall.

Maybe it won't be that bad this year.

But don't count on it, buddy.

Want to know why you hate shopping? Because it involves these two things: (1.) Spending money, and (2.) Making decisions.

Men, you look lost out there. I've seen you standing in the middle of a mall, looking dazed and confused, an icicle of drool dangling from one corner of your mouth. You're pathetic. You're lost, helpless, completely out of your element, like a deer caught in the middle of I-15. I saw one man holding up a dress in Dillard's the other day — he looked like he was examining a deep-sea creature. It was entirely foreign to him.

According to Nancy Haws, a Gap saleswoman at South Towne Center, Gap management has told employees that their focus should be "to help the men first. If there's a man and a woman, help the man first. They need the help." It's sort of like being on the Titanic — only it's women and children last.

Men are idiots when it comes to shopping. Haws recently encountered a male shopper who selected a clothing item that was the wrong size. "Would you like to keep it and exchange it at another store, or have us order it for you?" she asked him. The man thought about this a moment, as if he were being instructed on how to fly a 747, and said, "What are you talking about?"

As your friendly neighborhood columnist, I'd like to offer you the Man's Guide to Christmas Shopping. Here are a few helpful tips (that don't involve narcotics or alcohol):

1. No matter how long you look, you will not find jewelry or a waffle iron at Victoria's Secret.

2. Men, I hate to break the news to you, but you might have to resort to asking a salesperson a question. I know, it's a drastic measure and not very manly, but it's not as if I'm asking you to pull over and ask for directions.

3. Chiffon and taffeta are the names of materials often found in women's clothing. If you want to impress the sales clerk, say something like this: "Do you have this blouse in a peach chiffon?"