Here's the ideal gift item for anybody who flies on commercial airplanes and is basically immune from embarrassment. This is a restraining device that wraps around your head and attaches to your seat, so that you can fall asleep without having your head flop over, leaving you drooling into the lap of the businessperson seated next to you. What do you care if you look like an idiot? Let the other passengers laugh at you and put leftover airline food in your hair! You're getting your rest!

This is also a great item for people taking long car trips. Although we do not recommend it for the driver, unless the road is really straight.

Soft Claws Colored Nail Caps for Cats

$17.99 plus shipping and handling from Doctors Foster & Smith, 2253 Air Park Road, P.O. Box 100, Rhinelander, WI 54501-0100, phone: 800-381-7179, Internet: www.drsfostersmith.com

— Suggested by LaDonna Jones of Overland Park, Kan.

Cats make ideal pets, except that they hate the entire human race. At least we assume that's why they periodically sink their claws deep into our arms, legs and leather furniture.

So if your holiday list includes cat owners — you can identify them by the scars — these nail caps will make the perfect gift. These are little plastic deals that come in a variety of unnatural colors; you simply fill them with the supplied adhesive, slip them over your cat's claws, and there you are! Bleeding profusely! Because we seriously doubt that you're going to get these things on a regulation cat without the help of a tranquilizer gun.

Octodog Frankfurter Converter

$16.95 plus shipping and handling from Octodog Inc., 30672 Munger, Livonia, MI 48154, fax: 734-943-6038, Internet: www.octodog.net

— Suggested by Caya Jappinen of Issaquah, Wash.

The frankfurter, a k a hot dog, has long been an American dietary staple — a meal that is easy to prepare, and, at the same time, rich in chemicals.

The problem is that, after a while, the "plain old" hot dog can become boring. Until now, that is! Because now there is an amazing product, developed by leading frankfurter scientists, called the Octodog brand frankfurter converter. This is a cute device that converts a normal hot dog into a hot dog that looks sort of like an octopus, or some kind of mutant meat squid. Talk about fun! And it's simple to do: You simply place the Octodog device on the hot dog and slide it down via a process that is both easy and vaguely obscene.

This is a terrific gift idea for anybody on your list who yearns to turn processed pork or beef cylinders into marine-life-shaped cuisine. It is our understanding that top professional chefs such as Emeril order these babies by the gross. It is also our understanding that Meat Squid would be a good name for a rock band.

Caffeinated Soap