Dave Barry's 2003 Holiday Gift Guide

The Food Suit is not just practical. It's also, as you can imagine, a real visual treat: Few sights are more attractive than a man who is visibly bulging with food, drink, garbage and bodily wastes. It would not surprise us to learn that Mr. Ralph Lauren has dozens of Food Suits in his personal closet.

Bird Diapers

$24.99 for Flight Pack from Avian Fashions, 44 Mine Road, Suite 2-347, Stafford, VA 22554, phone: 888 412-POOP (7667), Internet: www.birddiaper.com

— Suggested by Jodi Alexander of Fredericksburg, Va.,

and Buck Yocum of Terlingua, Texas.

Is there somebody on your holiday gift list who has a pet bird? And is that bird constantly making bird droppings all over the place? If so, we have the ideal gift for that person: a cat.

Ha! Ha! But seriously, you need to give that person a batch of FlightSuits brand bird diapers. Yes: bird diapers. We didn't believe it ourselves at first, but it appears to be absolutely true. This product comes from the folks at Avian Fashions ("Dare to think outside the cage!") whose phone number is 818-412-POOP.

FlightSuits are little fabric deals with fabric fasteners that you attach to your bird. They come in a variety of colors and sizes, including a new model designed to fit ducks. The FlightSuit features a patented "V"-pouch design that has many scientific benefits in regards to the handling of the bird's poop. This means that you no longer have to leave your bird at home when you go to the mall, parties, business meetings, weddings, funerals, etc. The FlightQuarters Web site www.birddiaper.com/index.html has technical details, as well as many moving testimonials testifying to the happiness that this product has brought into their lives.

We here at the Holiday Gift Guide can honestly state that, in all our years of evaluating quality merchandise, we have never encountered a bird diaper of this stature.

Nap-Strap Airline Passenger Head-Restraint Device

$19.95 plus shipping and handling from Practical Things, LLC., P.O. Box 6777, San Pedro, CA 90734, phone: 310-874-8346, Internet: www.practicalthings.com

— Suggested by Catherine Conner of Hamburg, Germany.