And the little boy's family had the very best holiday season ever, until the next year, when the magic police helicopter gave the little boy the power to fly and talk to animals, including fish.

THE END

And THAT is why we put out the Holiday Gift Guide.

This year, as always, we have gathered together a collection of very special gift items — items that you probably will not see in stores. No, these are special items, unique items, items that will leave a lasting impression on the person you give them to, similar to the impression that Godzilla made on Tokyo.

As you look through these items, please bear in mind that all of them are real. We did not make them up.

We have also personally subjected all of these items to a rigorous "hands-on" quality-control test, wherein we put our hands on them, and then quickly pull our hands off, to guard against gift-transmitted diseases. That is why we are able to make the following:

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE QUALITY ASSURANCE WARRANTY

If you purchase any of these items, and you are for any reason not satisfied with it, simply put it into its original packaging, seal it up, and leave it in a dumpster. We will take it from there.

Food Suit

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Food Suit, Internet: www.foodsuit.com

— Suggested by Loree Peery of San Diego, Calif.

Do you have a sports fan on your holiday gift list? We're talking about a "real" sports fan — the kind of fan who, when he gets to his seat at the game, wants to remain there and not miss anything. Wouldn't it be wonderful if that person had a suit that could enable him to perform all of the key functions of a sports fan — eat, drink, dispose of garbage, even go to the bathroom! — without leaving his seat?

We don't think so, either. But that has not stopped the inventors of this amazing product, the Food Suit. It's made from a space-age material, and if that doesn't work out, cotton, and it's packed with useful features to enhance the experience of the sports fan who does not want, or has become unable, to move, including:

—Separate pockets for hot and cold foods

—A condiments dispenser

—A garbage-receptacle pocket

—A flask pocket

—Dual "suck tubes" connecting the wearer's mouth to a beer bladder and a soda bladder

—A catheter, connected via a tube to a waste reservoir.

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