Dave Barry's 2003 Holiday Gift Guide

And so we come, once again, to that very special time of year — the time when we present our annual Holiday Gift Guide, in direct defiance of an order by Attorney General John Ashcroft.

Why do we do it? Why do we go to the trouble of putting out the Holiday Gift Guide year after year, despite all the effort, the expense, the scheduling hassles, the lawsuits, the criminal prosecutions, the fatalities, the mobs of angry consumers chasing us down the street with tire irons?

We're going to answer that question by telling you a little story that we first heard from our mother many years ago, when we were small, hairless children. The story is called:

"A Holiday Miracle"

Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a little boy named Bobby. Or maybe Billy. Whatever his name was, his family was very poor.

One day, as the holiday season was approaching, the little boy's father said to him, "Bobby, or Billy, as you know we are very poor, and that means we can't have any presents this holiday season. But getting presents is not the important thing. The important thing is thinking about the true meaning of the holiday season."

"What is the true meaning of the holiday season, father?" asked the little boy.

"Season's Greetings," said the Father.

"Season's Greetings?" said the little boy. "What does that mean?"

"I don't know," said the father. "But it's inoffensive. Anyway, the point is, no presents, OK?"

"OK," said the little boy, for he was a good boy.

As the holidays grew closer, the little boy tried to think about the true meaning of Season's Greetings, instead of thinking about presents. But it was hard, and he was sad. And then, one night, when he was lying in bed, shivering from the cold because his family was too poor to own a house and his bed was outdoors, he saw a light appear in the sky. At first it was dim, but then it grew brighter and brighter, until it was the brightest light in the whole sky.

"It's a special star!" thought the little boy. "Maybe it's a magic star! Maybe if I make a wish, my wish will be granted!"

And so the little boy wished that his family could have presents for the holiday season.

But then he heard the sound of a motor, and he realized that the light was not a star: It was a police helicopter with a searchlight. And the little boy was very, very sad.

But then it turned out that this was not an ordinary police helicopter: This was a "magic" police helicopter, and it had heard the little boy's wish. And so, using a cable, it lowered a crate containing $800 million in cash.