Misperceptions about LDS singles discussed

Rackley has written a book on the subject "to try to help people understand that just because they are single, they're not necessarily unhappy," and that it's illogical to categorize all single Latter-day Saints as having common interests or concerns based simply on their marital status.

The LDS Church has activity programs for both young and older single adults, and while they can be helpful for many, "not everyone needs or wants that," she said. "We have to be careful about just pushing them together. There are a lot of married people I have more in common with" than some other singles, she said.

Finding a place to "fit" as a single adult or as a member with a nonmember spouse in a family-centered church has its challenges, Falconer said, and married members often have a hard time relating because they don't experience those things. Among them:

• A lack of inclusion in ward activities. "It's hard to go alone and sit by yourself, especially as a woman at a quorum activity where the focus is on married couples.

• Guilt is often a factor for part-member spouses or divorced members, she said. "I have a lot of feelings associated with the fact that my children live in a home without the priesthood," Falconer said.

• Getting to know couples and families when their focus is often on other couples and families.

• Feelings of being "different" or "an outsider."

• Loss of a support system when a spouse and children are absent. "When you don't have that extra person in your house to expect or say 'let's go to church,' you're more concerned about feeling welcome," Falconer said.

Rackley said her research shows only about 13 percent of LDS adults who don't fit the traditional family model are actively involved in the church, and that about 50 percent of adult members are not part of the "ideal family unit."

Yet single members bear the responsibility for their own involvement and happiness in the church, she said. Many believe others should reach out to them, rather than taking the initiative to build relationships, get involved, do the introspection necessary to overcome the obstacles and keep and eternal perspective on things. Pessimism is a problem, as is "hypersensitivity to things like lesson topics, social interaction between meetings and inclusion in social situations."

Most will experience being single at some time during their adult lives, Falconer said. She quoted physicist Stephen Hawking, who is nearly paralyzed by a debilitating disease, in admonishing counselors to help their clients remember that "we have to be grown-up enough to realize that life is not fair."

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E-mail: carrie@desnews.com